madmangoliath

A Triumphant return, yet boring!

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 02:11:57 GMT

Yeah, this is pretty mich boredom at its wworst. I made a xanga and I am currently updating it daily, which I used to do to this livejournal.

Currently, I am bored and ready to shoot myself in the foot. Yes, I'm that desperate for some entertainment. My lovelife has been extremely shaky so far, with all the back and forth drama between me and her. It sucks, but I know one day, it'll all be out. And maybe she'll feel the smae way.

Damn, this neck of mine hurts!

It's sore because of all the "sleeping" I've been doing in three of my classes. Yes, people, school is that boring to me. Really, really boring

Anyway, I"M DONE!

...Bones in the water and dust in my lungs....

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 02:40:34 GMT

I'M BACK, BITCHES!!!

After a long hiatus, and the creation of a xanga, I've returned to my blog roots, my LJ.

Well, my depression ended on February 28th, on a bad note though. I can't do anything about it, except move on and hope. Blah, Blah, Blah, pissed off at a friend. And then yesterday....

I bought the new Slipknot(one of my all-time favorite bands) album, Vol. 3(The Subliminal Verses). OK, if you know Slipknot, you know it was made for anger, regression, aggression, and excessive profanity. Well, after a HOLY SHIT INCREDIBLE debut album (self-titled), and 2001's dark and brooding Iowa, this new one has reached their new and creative point, and have made their mark in history, changing one thing, and making the entire album just amazing. They owe some of that to Rick Rubin, producer of RHCP, Jay-Z, Korn, etc. The Bearded Guru, reunited the band, stitched up the hostility after a 3-year hiatus, and made them make their best album yet. Props and Kudos to Rick and the 'Knot.

Long live, maggots.

God Bless

-- Mitch

...Wandering to nowhere....

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 01:14:21 GMT

To Nowhere - Yuki Kaijura (composer), Emily Bindiger (vocals)

can you hear the calling of the raving wind and water?
we just keep dreaming of the land across the river
we are always on the way to find the place we belong
wandering to no where, we're paddling
down the raging sea

who can cross over such raving wind and water?
on the rolling boat we sit, shivering with coldness
come by an island, come by a hillock,
it's just another place, we paddle on
down the raging sea

but in one morning we'll see the sun
bright shining morning dew singing
they who will search will find the land
of evergreen

can you hear the calling of the raving wind and water?
we just keep paddling down the sea, up the river
no destination, but we are together
in the silent sadness we're paddling
down the raging sea
down to nowhere

...Midnight Madness in my head....

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 05:46:51 GMT

Hmmmm....

I need help....

From someone....

Someone....

Anyone...

Help me reach out to the person I need the most...

PLEASE.

....Ever a clown you are....

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 01:13:07 GMT

No matter what the hell I do or say, nothing goes on the right way. It just seems to deplete every ounce of strength from me. The days tick away, now less than 8 days from my birthday, bitches.

You gettin' me anything? HUH?

HINT: If you really really know what I want, your opportunity to get "it" is NOW, because I'm in the position of being stuck in this depression all year round. PLEASE. HELP. ME. MAKE. MY. WISH. COME. TRUE. PLEASE!!!!

To conclude, I want to say that I thank all the people who helped me through this time of need: Eduardo, Graham, Erica, Marisa, Robert, Jenny, Barbara, Jesher, Marc, Tim, Elga, Y@Ya, Jenette, Mariko, Rebecca, Gy, and God.

Big man, it's all up to you now, your choice whether I can live normally, you got until the 26th. I hope my prayers are answered.

-- Neverending depressed motherfucking idiot, Mitch.

...But I'm still.....ALONE....

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 23:47:00 GMT

I'm home, away from the deliquents who run rampant in my school. I hate Theory 2I already, mainly because they all act like they're in Kindgarten, fucking Freshmen. I want them to shut the fuck up.

I'm so angry, and depressed, and (insert negative emotion HERE).

NOTHING IS HELPING, PEOPLE. YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED, GET ME IT, and I mean, it's friggin' killing me already. Nine days left, people. You know, I'll call it Judgement Day, because this is when I know that God actually cares for me. If he does, it means my wish will come true.

If not....think of all the possibilities.

River of Crystals - Kenji Kawai (composer), Kimiko Itoh (vocals)

Crystal memories
Touched by your voice, in the moonlight

"Nothing lasts." you said.
But everything still holds meaning in my heart

Hidden deep in my mind
River to the time
That we once shared together-
the pictures are still on the wall and why.
shining smiles, like snow flakes.
all melted and gone away

Only answer was to live.
and I am still here-
with your memories...

dreaming hopelessly.
holding in my heart
all the flowers you left...

Crystallized moments
Shattered into frozen pieces in my tears

River of moonlight
I hear your voice echoing.
but I'm here, alone...

Crystal melodies
moments so sweet, I remember

"Nothing lasts." you said.
Then why is pain still confusing memories

Only time will go on
River has its end
Our light was blown by the wind
My fingers reach out and find no one there
Rainy sky, please tell me my emptiness will be filled

Only answer was to live.
and I am still here-
with your memories...

Walking hopelessly
holding in my eyes,
all the colors you left...

Broken melodies...
No more singing, no more laughing in the sun

River of moonshine
I hear your voice echoing
But I'm still alone...

I'm alone....

...Are you in or are you out?

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 16:34:22 GMT

*sigh*

I can't say much right now, considering I have no freedom because I'm surrounded by fellow students. All I can say is I'm back where I started from. I can now say that again, I'm back to that LOW point. For one day, I was actually alright, but it had to come crashing down starting in the morning, and now. I can't even describe the pain I'm in right now. Just....nothin' I can do now, but wait and see what's coming up. I'm not in charge of my life whatsoever anymore. I'm just....hopeless, I guess.

...'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown...

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 00:14:13 GMT

First and foremost, I must say that I have come across the song of the week. I have been completely blown away by this song. This will be etched in my memory for the rest of my life, but it's a fucking great song.

Elga, fucking THANK YOU.

This song is basically if Yoko Kanno went for electronica and Imogen Heap (vocalist in the song) collaborated.

LET GO - Frou Frou

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

...Who's Hip Anyway?

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 02:32:46 GMT

Well....I can actually say that as of right now, I'm feeling OK (See the mood). I got nothing to say except I love the song I'm listening to right now.

Ask DNA - Yoko Kanno (Composer), Raju Ramayya (Vocals), SEATBELTS (Instrumental)

Gummed up, brain dead and can't decide
you can't pray enough, you can't hide
You can be cool or you can cry
Do it wrong
Not it all
Or do it right

No one owes you, no one's to blame
Save for bad genes or DNA
Ask your conscience the why and how
Do it then
Do it when
But, do it now

What's up sweet cakes?
Who's hip anyway?
Earthgirls are easy
What you gonna do lil' buckaroo?
(Hey you, you better ask her nice!)
All you gotta do, happy fool, is ask your mom

No we all can't be Superfly GQ,Ph.D, F.B.I.
You can pretend or you can try
Move ahead
Lay down dead
Or slip on by

When the truth seems so far away
Buddha loves you and Jesus saves
You need answers for your dismay

Ask yourself
Ask your mom
Ask DNA

What's up sweet cakes?
Who's hip anyway?
Earthgirls are easy
What you gonna do lil' buckaroo?
(Hey you, you better ask her nice!)
All you gotta do, happy fool, is ask your mom

Kamakamakama ask your mama
Super groover Dahli Lama

What's up sweet cakes?
Who's hip anyway?
Earthgirls are easy
What you gonna do lil' buckaroo?
Come on!

What's up sweet cakes?
Who's hip anyway?
Earthgirls are easy
What you gonna do lil' buckaroo?
(Hey you, you better ask her nice!)
All you gotta do, happy fool, is ask your mom.....

And then...

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 23:29:12 GMT

....Nothing happened. I can say for the record that I'm at an ALL-TIME LOW in happiness. There's none to be had.

...If I could just be, more human, I would see every little thing with the gleam in my eye....

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 01:02:43 GMT

be human - Yoko Kanno (composer), Scott Matthew (vocals)

I analyze and I verify and I quantify enough
one hundred percentile
no errors, no miss
I synchronize and I specialize and I classify so much
don't worry 'bout dreaming
because I don't sleep
I wish I could at least 30 percent
maybe 50 for pleasure
then skip all the rest
if I only was more human
I would count every single second the rest of my life
if I just could be more human
I'd have so many little babies and maybe a wife
I'd roll around the mud
and have lots of fun
then when I was done
build bubblebath towers and swim in the tub
sand castles on the beach
frolic in the sea
get a broken knee
be scared of the dark and I'd sing out of key
cuss when I lost a fight
kiss and reunite
scratch a spider bite
be happy with wrinkles I got when I smiled
pet kittens til they purred
maybe keep a bird
always keep my word
I'd cry at sad movies
I'd laugh til it hurt
I'd buy a big bike
and ride by the lake
and I'd have lots of friends
and I'd stay out til late
if I could just be more human
I would see every little thing with a gleam in my eye
if only I was more human
I'd embrace every single feeling that came in my life
would I care and be forgiving?
would I be sentimental and would I feel loneliness?
would I doubt and have misgivings?
would I cause someone sorrow,too?
would I know what to do?
will I cry when it's all over?
when I die will I see her face...

....Valentine's Day? It's a FUCKING SHAME.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 23:11:57 GMT

Yep, I had a melancholy Valentine's Day. All around me I felt as I should have exploded in anger in front of every fucking person in my face with a rose. I had to keep that smile on as hard as I could, because if that smile came off, I would've fucking killed someone. Honestly, an overrated day of love. Is love in existance during most of your teen years? Not really. You know you find love when you are in a depression because of the person you admire, and that's the least of your worries; you start feeling pain, worry, self-doubt, thoughts that you would never EVER think at a normal state.

I write this from the bottom of my bleeding and broken heart, that I'm sure that if I can survive this day, I'll be able to move on just a bit easier, and breath a bit better. The pain will not suffice until the deed and the torture is done, unless my goal is accomplished, I can guarantee I will not be the same Mitch I was or would ever be.

May those with real love prosper, may those with indulgent thoughts burn in fucking Hell, you hurt the person who truly feels for you. May you rot in the darkness and depths of the flames. I fucking HATE YOU.

Sad....so sad....cue the bloody tears

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 22:12:12 GMT

*sigh*

I don't want to even say the same thing all over again. You know what position I'm in. Do you care? Honestly? Am I entertainment? Am I that amusing, that which my heart and soul must be tormented by you? AM I?

Am I truly destined to be in this black hole forever because of this sorrow and misfortune?

Am I beguiled with this torturous life that has bewildered me?

Someone...PLEASE....let there be a MIRACLE.

What CAN I Say?

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 18:27:05 GMT

Kids, here's a tip for all of you.

Don't ever....EVER, go to a party with your friend at 4 AM, because no one WILL BE THERE.

i.e. - Manny calls me yesterday, at 2 AM. I'm basically sulking in the sofa with a bag of ice on my hamstring (Baseball Training). He says to meet up with him @ West 6th Street. I say, "Motherfucker, I can't walk." He offers me a ride. I freshen up, lock the door, and get in the Corolla. We get to West 6th Street, and we go to this kid Eugene's house. No, it's about 3:30 AM. NO ONE'S on the damn street. We get to the house, and we hear a vacuum. I say, "WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THERE?" Door Opens, and nothing but Eugene and his girl cleaning up. His dog is licking up the spill of Coke on the floor. Me, in uber pissed mode, smack Manny in the head, and scream "YOU WASTED TWO FUCKING HOURS OF MY LIFE!", this including my usual two month depression, made me take the Command to my house. Limping home, I noticed that I am a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have done jack shit. But, me being me, I did anyway.

Because I have to make my friends happy, but then again, I keep FRONTIN'. It's my farce to the public, and I can't do anything but keep that smile on my face and hurt constantly.

Stay alive, kids.

Thoughts are STILL overwhelming me.

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 17:08:57 GMT

Well, another day, another run of thoughts. Completely bound to one person in all those thoughts. Again, it's a need, and hopefully in the next 12 days that'll surface itself as destiny or a fantasy. Nothing is up to me, it's up the big guy up there, and I pray everyday that something good will happen. PLEASE....PLEASE...

In Truth, in memories...

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 18:21:35 GMT

*sigh*

Finished the HW, bored of out my mind, I'm thinking of everything I've done wrong in my life in these past two months, and to tell you the truth, I haven't done a lot of wrong things. What has been bad, however, is the situation I've been in since those two months have gone by. It's like I got NOTHING to look to this month, it's my birthday month godammit. I'm suppose to be HAPPY, but in fact I'm depressed. I can't do anything but dig myself deeper, into the black hole of my life right now. Nothing but...pain, anguish, tears, deceit, depression, and SORROW.

I hope happiness will come soon....I pray it will.

...In THE VOID.

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 03:04:09 GMT

Nothing's changed once again. I'm still "frontin'" (blame that word on Eduardo), I'm keeping a poker face on basically. I can't show my emotions, so I just smile, bottle up the emotions, and shut the fuck up. *SIGH* Do I want to do that? NO. Do I need to do that? YES. Why? I don't want EVERYONE in my business. I only select a few people whom I can trust dearly, those people know who they are. My life, is...shit. Pretty much, people, this is the best I can be right now, unless a miracle pops out of the clouds and hearts on Monday. Happy Valentine's Day to those who are occupied, huh?

What can I say? Just.....Try and be happy. Trying is the hard part, finding the happiness can take forever, just ask me. :(

...I Close My Eyes, and I keep seeing things....

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 01:21:32 GMT

I can always count on my music to make me feel better, and I'm doing so right now. How therapeutic it is. I'm feeling a lot less angry, a bit more relaxed. Thanks a lot, Yoko Kanno.

I close my eyes and I keep seeing things
Rainbow waterfalls
sunny liquid dream

Confusion creeps inside me raining doubt
Gotta get to you
But I don't know how

Call me, Call me
Let me know it's alright
Call me, call me
Don't you think it's 'bout time
Please won't you call and

* Ease my mind

Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
to get me to you

I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were one
But I had to grow

Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you
Won't you tell me how

Call me, Call me
Let me know you are there
Call me, call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won't you

* Repeat

Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
Reasons for living my life
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to know you
Peace of mind
what can I do
to get me to you

PEOPLE = SHIT mode.

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 00:47:49 GMT

Goddamn, another day in the books. Nothing happened today, AT ALL. Why isn't life getting interesting? Well, my depression does account for SOME of that, but not all. I real don't feel suicidal or anything, I merely feel really bummed out, that's all. People, if you are worried about me, then talk to me about it, it's not that hard. Actually, come to think of it, I'm making harder for myself, because I put on a smile for everyone, while I'm being eaten away on the inside. Sucks, doesn't it?

Visitors of my livejournal, welcome to the world of Slipknot, in their world apparently, People = Shit.

Here we go again, motherfucker

Come on down, and see the idiot right here
Too fucked to beg and not afraid to care
What's the matter with calamity anyway?
Right? Get the fuck outta my face
Understand that I can't feel anything
It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay
I feel like a would, like I got a fuckin'
Gun against my head, you live when I'm dead

One more time, mother fucker

Everybody hates me now, so fuck it
Blood's on my face and my hands, and I
Don't know why, I'm not afraid to cry
But that's none of your business
Whose life is it? Get it? See it? Feel it? Eat it?
Spin it around so i can spit in its face
I wanna leave without a trace
Cuz I don't wanna diein this place

People = Shit
People = Shit (Whatcha gonna do?)
People = Shit (Cuz I am not afraid of you)
People = Shit (I'm everything you'll never be)
People = Shit

It never stops - you can't be everything to everyone
Contagion - I'm sittin' at the side of Satan
What do you want from me?
They never told me the failure I was meant to be
Overdo it - don't tell me you blew it
Stop your bitchin' and fight your way through it
I'M - NOT - LIKE - YOU - I - JUST - FUCK - UP

C'mon mother fucker, everybody has to die

C'mon mother fucker, everbody has to die

People = Shit
People = Shit (Whatcha gonna do?)
People = Shit (Cuz I am not afraid of you)
People = Shit (I'm everything you'll never be)
People = Shit

Great fucking song. Slipknot, rock on, motherfuckers. Long live the maggots.

-- Mitch

Time's Scar

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 17:25:38 GMT

7th period....you know where this is going, right? To the frequent visitors of my livejournal page, they know the whole story already, so again, I'm NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING. I finally dropped Discreet Math, so I'm free for now. Now I gotta put in Theory, and Chem 2 (*SIGH*).

...Bring it all on, motherfucker.

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 02:56:02 GMT

Today, tomorrow, everyday, is a challenge in life. I say, bring it on. Life always twists and turns, I'm not about to quit on anything or ANYONE, but I'm prepared for anything.

....BORED, Aren't I?

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 17:54:10 GMT

Well, I'm actually doing this from school, during 7th period, in which I have a Math Class that was added for no reason to my schedule. Anyway, Nguyendon's cool, so he let me go. Just a bit dumb, though. Anyway, after a morning of scrutiny and anger, I've calmed down, and now in a neutral state. Listening to T. Raumschmiere, helps when you are angry.

Stay healthy, kids. Eat your Pop-Tarts.

Been a long road to follow, been there and gone tomorrow...

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 00:16:33 GMT

Nothing to say, except I feel shitty once again. The calendar points to the 26th, but it's not giving me any hope. A day of celebration? Nope. Unless a miracle occurs, it's NOTHING.

Something is pulling me....
I feel the gravity of it all....

...It's Only Me, Again.

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 17:39:22 GMT

Wake up 15 minutes ago, today is Super Bowl Sunday. What am I gonna do? I'll go to friend's house and do the stereotypical thing every American does today: Watch the game and eats lots of junk food.

Anyway, nothing's changed. But I'm feeling a little less cluttered after I got a good amount of sleep last night. Also, last night's Stand Alone Complex was barely edited. *Go adult swim!* Anyway, I'll be preparing for the week ahead. Also, birthday's on the 26th....anyone have any ideas for gifts?

I have one that comes right to mind....

...'Cause All Things Fall....

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 22:18:51 GMT

I'm a wreck....I can't think straight, I have massive HW, I'm in a depression. Sonds great, doesn't it? I don't want to resort back to smoking, its been a while, and the last time I checked, it almost gave me chronic lung problems. So SMOKING IS NOT AN OPTION. And you probably know my other situation, either from me or my other entries, you know why I am in pain. Do you feel bad? It doesn't matter, I don't get anything from that. I need happiness, and the only way to get it is to attain her. I've got to just...go on vacation, clear my thoughts, I doubt it'll help.

I'm here standing on the edge...

madmangoliath

A Triumphant return, yet boring!

...Bones in the water and dust in my lungs....

...Wandering to nowhere....

...Midnight Madness in my head....

....Ever a clown you are....

...But I'm still.....ALONE....

...Are you in or are you out?

...'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown...

...Who's Hip Anyway?

And then...

...If I could just be, more human, I would see every little thing with the gleam in my eye....

....Valentine's Day? It's a FUCKING SHAME.

Sad....so sad....*cue the bloody tears*

What CAN I Say?

Thoughts are STILL overwhelming me.

In Truth, in memories...

...In THE VOID.

...I Close My Eyes, and I keep seeing things....

PEOPLE = SHIT mode.

Time's Scar

...Bring it all on, motherfucker.

....BORED, Aren't I?

Been a long road to follow, been there and gone tomorrow...

...It's Only Me, Again.

...'Cause All Things Fall....

Sad....so sad....cue the bloody tears